Fear Factor

I've heard that the thing that people fear the most is speaking in public. Frankly, that's never bothered me. I don't even have to pretend that they're in their underwear. Public speaking - not a problem. Job interviews - piece of cake, I've never failed one job interview.
But talking to one person, one on one. Yeah, that chills my bones. What the hell am I supposed to say to a total stranger? "What do think of this weather?"
See speaking in public and interviews are easy because I already know my audience. I know what my future employer wants to hear from me, I know the attitude they're looking for. But a person that comes up to you let's say at the grocery store? I have no idea what they want to hear or why they're even approaching me.
This is what happens in my mind when someone says hello: "Oh God, what does this person want? Why are they talking to me?" That is followed quickly by "Do I want to talk to this person?" The answer is usually "no".
But let's say that the conversation is about more than the weather. Let's say that said person says "Want to get a cup of coffee?" (For those of you that haven't seen Sleepless in Seattle you should. The rule is you invite a person for a drink, not dinner because you could realize half-way through dinner that you want to run away very very quickly.)
Coffee.
Now what? Here are a few pieces of advice:
- Ladies: Offer to pay. Men: Do not let the girl pay. There are exceptions to this rule but I've never much paid attention to them.
I'm kidding! Have a sense of humor. Both of you should offer to pay, only one of you should win and the "battle" shouldn't take half an hour.
- Never, ever, and I do mean ever talk about politics or religion. I'm serious people. The person sitting in front of you could be a totally nice and lovable human being. Do you really want to find out on your first cup of coffee that he/she thinks Obama is a foreign-born Muslim? No!
Disclaimer: Eventually, you will have to talk about these things. But don't do it when you are trying to make the first impression. Save it for later, when you realize that you can deal with certain differences. Because, if you think about it, politicians are temporary, love is forever.
- Do not start any sentence with "I hate". It just makes you seem like a negative person. Instead switch the words around and instead of saying "I hate the Lakers and Kobe Bryant" say "I would love for the Suns to beat the Lakers in the playoffs this year." See that?
- Don't lie! Because you WILL get caught and after you get caught the person you told the lie to will always remember that you lied. They may not even remember what you lied about, but you will be labeled a liar FOR-E-VER. Just tell the truth, always. FYI: We all live with our parents.
- Men: I don't care how much cleavage I'm showing, they don't talk. So eyes up.
- Ladies: Keep the cleavage to a minimum if you want someone to pay attention to what you're saying.
- Don't pick your nose. Don't scratch your private parts. Don't burp.
- Yes, you are allowed to eat.
- Yes, you are allowed to touch the other person. But just know that even the slightest grace means volumes, so plan accordingly.
- If all you can think of to talk about is Who Played Batman Better? then that's ok. (It was Keaton, btw).
- Before you start showing your really really weird/funny side make sure this person gets the joke. Otherwise they might think you have some kind of mental disability and that's why you keep yelling PENIS in between the conversation.
- If there is more than five seconds of silence then you are not interested in this person and they are not interested in you. Run away as fast as you can.
- Save the dirty talk for another night or for a more appropriate venue.
- The part where you say goodbye is the most awkward part of the entire evening (unless one of you actually yelled PENIS, and even then it's kind of a tie). But remember, it's not a business meeting, don't shake hands and say "We'll be in touch".
Once you get past the initial extremely scary, and possibly unnecessary social ritual then things should go smoothly.
Actually, things should go smoothly after the initial "Hello", but the trick is to get over our fears and say it back.